April 28 2001: 

->below: Newsmaker May issue hyde's Self Portrait (25kb)

Well...if you have seen this issue of Newsmaker, you would probably have guessed my surprise when I saw this self portrait. I mean, this is a picture from Flower era, and one things is this: flower is a special song to me. Maybe you would understand if you read my "memory" section in my personal stuff page.

But what really made me depressed was the wordings.

You see, if you have read through my diary (its not a requirement) I really liked this guy who was of the same essence of Sakura de drummer. I don't know if you can exactly call them same, but...well, poem "sakura" was written for that guy. hah. Because flower described my thoughts towards him exactly, it became an even more special song to me. To keep things short, it's not that I want to associate everything I come across with Laruku, but it's just that my life really has something that collaborates with this band so much I could just bang my head against the wall if I didn't have to clear up the mess later. (I always use this excuse to curb the frustration/suicide tendency in me, hah)

Anyway, I just wanna be able to slash hyde and tetsu as a normal doujin fan, yaknow. I just wish that I could say "Oh, they're both hot so they're both together." something like the way DEG fans slash DEG. :p (tongue in cheek.)

but anyway, I have a friend who is also hyde x tetsu doujin fan. She said that she could relate to tetsu easier, so she wrote her fic from tete's viewpoint. (note: her story is my favorite, except that it's in chinese and it isn't finished) While for me, I could probably relate to hyde easier as an individual that I percieve him to be. And the funny part is, she is a hyde fan and I'm a tetsu fan and we're both delusioned about our 'idols/pornstars'.

To put it simply, both of us agreed that hyde loved sakura. Actually, I didn't agree on the surface. I protested alot. But I did agree that hyde could relate better to sakura-- it would be like seeing a piece of himself.

I don't know which kind of darkness hyde meant in this self portrait. But I do think that it is written for sakura, and above all, the flower image just begs to prove my viewpoint. Of course we all know officially they'll never get anything an inch out of their mouths. (wait, this sounds dirty...;p)

About earlier, I've been meaning to write about hyde's self portraits, but I never got around to it because it's just... plain redundant. It's like saying, "hyde likes manson, i love manson too!" something like that. but of course, even if it was all a coincidence and not just for the sake of it, well.... I think this world wouldn't understand.

to say it in another way, and link it back to hyde x tetsu doujin kingdom, the reason that I support hydextetsu is that...hyde deserves more happiness. so does tetsu. no, even though it usually has to do with the psychology of earlier hydexsakura fics where tetsu was the poor guy out, I managed to color things clearer. Why did I like hyde x tetsu doujin? because it is a fantasy that I can relate to easily. 

But still, it remains a fantasy. Even though it is not impossible.
I don't like yukki x tetsu. I don't like ken x tetsu. I don't like sakura x tetsu. I only like hyde x tetsu. 
But it's only because tetsu is so cute, he makes me forget every darkness with his smiles. Even if it is a faked smile, he shines. 

While sakura and hyde-- they're both reminders of the darkness. They make the darkness so clear that it's no longer possible to get out of it. I admit that sakura is whom I will love. if i was hyde. if I was me. it doesn't really matter in this sense.

I like people of the light, still. I like to see their radiance, so I feel happier about this world and less delusioned. 
But... it is not the real me. I really don't know anymore. 

Sometimes, I feel like we're all lost. Now, I'm almost convinced that I can't love anymore. But I still like. I like my wife alot. I like cute girls, and I like guys who shine. So... Whaddya think?

And my favorite bookstore is closed down. damn. to make it worse, they put out my magazines for sale. 

...Anyway... when i showed that friend a photograph of the rainbow which I took on my '99 birthday, she said that I really was bounded by fate to L'Arc~en~Ciel.
I think it's probably bounded by a curse, oh nevermind. I honestly think even if it is so, there will only be a nightmare at the end of the path, not a dream. I really don't know where I'm heading to afterall. 

issai ga nai. (the fic cage is written to express a few issues which I had in mind, and it's actually inspired by sakura's music story in Siesta, whom that friend played when she came over)

Then again I got a seemingly good novel "God is a bullet" and the chinese version of Le Petit Prince is ordered from skool. Hope it'll all be enjoyable. cya.

hmm. sometimes i wonder if anyone from laruku will ever come across my crap... I guess not, a) it's in english aka eigo, b) they're celebrities. Maybe 10 years later they'll come....and then you can truly say that my life is really related to this band. hah.